She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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