I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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