Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You made out with two different species that night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
