i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
