They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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