Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
