maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
