he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
