Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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