I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
