The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
