good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Randomize
