I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
