my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
