i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just gargled with NyQuil
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
