I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
