I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
