I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
