just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All I want is dick and wine.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
