I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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