im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize