my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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