Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
