Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
