im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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