Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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