i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
