you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
