Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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