I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
