Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Randomize
