God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
