she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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