Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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