I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize