I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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