Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
