So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
