i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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