I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
