if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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