I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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