He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize