I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
