Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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