we're chasing vodka with high fives
People in love make me want to vomit
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We need to get me chipped asap
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
