Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize