it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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