I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
