Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize