I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
