he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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