I CAN MOONWALK!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize