So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
