my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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