College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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