is your mom at the bar?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they need to just BURY HIM!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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