Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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