Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
