I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
