I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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