I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
