I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
